


Holding back

by maidroute



Category: Original Work, South Park
Genre: Anal Fingering, Anal Sex, Blow Jobs, French Kissing, Implied/Referenced Child Abuse, Implied/Referenced Self-Harm, Implied/Referenced Sexual Assault, M/M, Neck Kissing, Plot What Plot/Porn Without Plot
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-10-21
Updated: 2018-10-21
Packaged: 2019-08-05 05:36:40
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 5,267
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/16361858
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/maidroute/pseuds/maidroute
Summary: Stan doesn't know what to do with himself, having been dating Angel for almost a month now, and he couldn't hold back wanting to take it to the next level.





	Holding back

This feeling didn't seem right. The feeling of wanting something more, wanting to take it to the next level. It just didn't seem like he had that right. Even after a month of dating and not to mention  _cockblocking_ from his friends, he felt like he wouldn't have a chance.  It just didn't feel it was a good idea, given the other male's past of abuse. And having a past of using  _things_ to make him dissociate while doing.....that. It just made him feel awful that he dreamt- no -  _imagined_ \- to do that sort of thing with Angel. Nights spent by himself, touching himself to the thought of what it'd be like to put Angel in complete pleasure, having him scream out his name while in ecstasy. He'd always feel bad about it later, staying awake at the thoughts that ran through his mind. What would Angel think? How would he feel? Would he be disgusted? Weirded out? Break up with him? God, he couldn't fathom that.   
  
The black haired boy laid up in his room, staring at the ceiling. Honestly, with a day off from school, you'd expect him to hang out with his friends or gaming but he didn't feel like doing that. He couldn't get his thoughts off his boyfriend and thinking about what he was up to. Probably doing homework or reading a book, hair tied into a ponytail while a book in hand. He's definitely in a cute outfit, probably a tank with some shorts - that is  _way_ too short to the point they'd show off his legs.  
  
" No, stop that. " He thought to himself as he shook his head. He needed a distraction from thinking any of that, so he picked up his phone, staring at the bright screen as he saw the messages that had popped onto it. He scrolled, seeing it was mostly his friends blowing up the group chat they shared with one another. Kyle and Cartman going at it, like usual. But then he a text from Angel and his heart pounded.   
  
[TXT: My angel ❤️] Hey.....I'm sorry to bother you but could you come over? My dad isn't home and I thought maybe we could hang out? 

 _Holy shit._ He tried not to panic, fumbling to message him as quickly as he could. He chewed his lip, typing back to him as he sat up.   
  
[TXT: Stan] Yeah!! We can hang out, I'm not really doing anything and I like hanging out with you-   
  
Wait. No.   
  
[TXT: Stan] Yeah!! We can hang out, I'm not really doing anything.   
  
Yeah, that's better. Didn't sound like he was eager to get over there or too needy. Even though he was right, he did like hanging with Angel. He liked any time with Angel really- but that was way too cheesy to say.   
  
[TXT: My angel ❤️] Okay! The door will be unlocked for you. See you soon!   
  
He was too cute. Stan shoved his phone into his pocket as he made his way over to Angel's.   
  


Angel was chewing on a pen, trying to finish his English homework. He huffed and shut the book, grumbling at himself as he stretched. He got out of his chair, pushing it up as he made his way to his closet, pulling out a sweater and some shorts. He then heard his phone buzz, making his way to it and checking it. It was Stan telling him he was on his way, which made Angel smile.   
  
It's been a month. A whole month since they started dating. He couldn't really believe it, even after Stan confession, nervous and shakey in the hallway as he asked Angel out. But they haven't....really gotten anywhere besides maybe kissing here and there. Angel kind of wished they could go further, that Stan would push forward and he'd maybe  _do_ something with him. He sighed, making his way downstairs as he adjusted his glasses. Maybe they could watch a movie or play a game or maybe.... _something else_. It was getting harder and harder not to want it. Of course, if Stan didn't want it, Angel wouldn't judge and wouldn't force but it was a tad bit annoying. He felt like Stan was embarrassed even dating him, since half the time he doesn't even want to hug him while with his friends. It had gotten annoying, he wanted Stan to be comfortable with showing physical affection, no matter where they were.   
  
He pushed it aside, not trying to think about it too hard as he hard a knock on the door. He made his way to it, opening it and seeing the bigger male with a big smile on his face. Angel smiled back, wrapping his arms around him happily.   
  
 " Hey, Ange. " He hugged back tightly, almost too tightly honestly but Angel didn't mind. Then again, however, the other male was massive and Angel felt so tiny compared to him. He was petite too, having a frame almost like a girl really, which he didn't really like. Thanks to his mother, however, it was something that stuck with him. Feminine features, long hair, curves. He didn't have any muscles either, it totally showed. Stan gave him a worried look, tilting his head.   
  
" You alright? You seem in thought or something. " Angel then blinked, not knowing he was even in thought before shaking his head.   
" Ah, no no. I'm okay. Let's get inside, yes? We could order something to eat and put on a movie or something. "   
  
But as soon as they got in, the thoughts came rushing back.   
  
Stan was familiar with the Petrov house, hell he spent most of his time here really. At first, like any dad, Angel's dad was wary of Stan but soon he was thinking of him like another son. It felt nice, it felt like an actual home. He felt.....at peace. But there was something else. He had to admit, he wasn't thinking about any of the things Angel suggest,  _he wanted something else._ He had no idea how to tell him without being blunt. Thought also raced to Stan's head before he took action, gripping onto Angel's arm and pulled him close.   
  
" What are you doin- " Before he could get any more word out, he planted a kiss onto his lips. The other didn't seem to protest, actually kissing back as he wrapped his arms around his neck. It went on for a few minutes, just a simple kiss before it started to turn into more. Stan lapped at the other's mouth, wanting entrance which Angel shortly gave him, letting out a soft noise. He could already feel himself get hard as he slid his tongue into the other's mouth, swirling it around his as he panted.  _Calm down, it's only a kiss._ But it didn't feel like that, it was the only chance he could have for at least for a while since he finally Angel all to himself.   
  
He was getting too eager, hands suddenly roaming to Angel's hips as he gave them a squeeze. He was....so much smaller than he was. Actually- did he get smaller since the last time? That started to worry Stan, having knowledge of Angel's habits of harming himself. It actually hurt Stan too, to see him do this to himself. A certain dread went over him as he pulled away, which made Angel give him a look of concern.   
  
" What's wrong? " Angel asked in a hushed voice, hands going to Stan's chest as green eyes looked at him. He swallowed thickly, feeling his heart start to pound to his ears. He didn't know how to feel- nervous or aroused. But Angel wasn't helping, giving him that cute face he made when he was worried. He chewed his lip, trying not to be too blunt.   
  
" Stan...." Angel spoke up again, which made things  _worst_. Fuck, fuck, fuck. Why does he have to be so cute?   
" It's- It's nothing. How about we go to your bedroom, yeah? " The other tilted his head before nodding, having Stan take his hand and hurry up the stairs.   
  
  
Stan seemed to be in a hurry, Angel thought. But he really did wonder what was on Stan's mind before he rushed them to the bedroom. He seemed....to be thinking of something. And Angel wanted to ask what it was, but at the same time, he didn't want to ruin the moment. He just shook off as he allowed Stan to drag him to his bedroom.   
  
The only light in the room peaked through a small curtain, which seemed to almost be dim anyway since the sun was setting.  But it was enough to still see the surroundings of the room, which were by band posters, pictures of stan and him, stuffed animals, along with a writing desk and some drawers. There was also a huge mirror that seemed cluttered with things like makeup, contact, the second pair of glasses and more photos. The room seemed neat, only a few clothes on the floor but that was probably about to change soon.   
  
Soft breathing and wet noises were all that could be heard as the started over again, Angel gripping onto the collar of Stan's jacket. His eyes closed, knee to Stan's crouch and a shiver running down his spine, it was making him dizzy. He gave a testing push, rubbing his knee against Stan which made him grunt, meaning it was probably feeling good. He kept it up, feeling him get harder and harder by the minute as he deepens the kiss. A hand runs through raven locks, slightly gripping onto them as to not cause too much harm to the other. This was too good.   
  
Things soon got more intense, Angel let out a slightly louder moan as Stan moved to his neck, nipping and sucking just enough to leave marks. He squeezed his eyes shut, feeling himself go weak as his whole body shivered. Nails dug into his skin, causing another grunt to be heard.   
  
Stan could feel his self-control go down more and more, not sure if he could take it anymore. He tried to hold himself back, a hand moving up to snap Angel's hair tie, hair flowing down to his shoulders. Stan looked up his heart racing. Angel wasn't making this easy with the face he was making. In the heat of the moment, grabbed Angel and pushed him onto the bed, hovering over him. He went back to attacking his neck, making more marks as he could hear Angel gasp. He was....getting possessive now. The hunger he had now turned into making sure people knew who Angel belonged to. It was him. Angel was his. No one else could ever have this moment with him.  _He's mine._ Stan repeated the phrase in his head over and over as he moved down further Angel's body to make more marks.   
  
Angel wrapped his legs around Stan's waist, back slightly arching off the bed to start grinding against him. He could feel Stan grind back, growling lowly in his throat and snaking a hand up his shirt. Angel's head started to spin again, not sure of how to feel about showing off his body. He was afraid of Stan being disgusted by it, thinking of it as gross with the scars he had, how skinny he was, how feminine he was. He gripped onto Stan's hand, making him stop and look up at him.   
  
" Is something wrong, Ange? " He gave him a soft look, which made Angel chew his lip. He was nervous, of course, he was but....this was Stan. Stan would never do anything to harm or insult him. He was too nice....too sweet for that. Angel looked away, gripping onto the other male's hand. He was shaking but Stan was too.   
  
" I'm....I'm nervous. And...scared. " He squeezed his eye shut again, his stomach pooling with anxiety. Stan squeezed his hand, his voice soft.   
" Hey, hey.....it's okay. Do you want to stop? We can stop if you want. I'd hate to make you uncomfortable or scared. " The statement Angel's heart flutter. He was too sweet.   
" I-I don't want to stop. Just.....showing my body....I'm scared of why you'll think. "   
" What do you think I'll think of it? " Stan looked at him, concerned.   
" Like....it's disgusting....gross...Just. Not liking it or finding it- oh god - sexy or something? I'm sorry I said anything- " Angel started to panic, thinking it was worthless to have told Stan anything but he felt Stan's hands cup his cheeks, pulling him up to give his head a kiss.   
  
" Truth be told, I don't think your body is disgusting, I- uh- " He laughed nervously, embarrassed to even say this, " I  _do_ find it sexy- I mean! Of course, that's not all to you of course- Fuck. " He fumbled with his words, facepalming himself. He then heard Angel giggle, which was, as he kept thinking to himself,  _so cute._  
  
 _"_ I...thank you for that I suppose, no matter how embarrassing it is to say. You're very sweet, I love you. " _I love you._ Did he hear that right? Angel said he loved him? Or was he really dreaming all of this right now? Either way, he didn't care, he pulled him into a heated kiss for a short minute or two, pulling away as he saw Angel blush.   
  
" I love you too. I love you so much. " He then pulled Angel into a hug, squeezing him as he nuzzled into his neck.  Angel squeaked at the sudden hug but nonetheless, returned it, nuzzling back. Soon, Angel's panic faded away, allowing Stan to continue as he lifted up his shirt. 

Stan gulped a lump in his throat as he kissed down Angel's chest, causing him to arch into the kisses as he shivered once more. Stan's light kisses made Angel's body let out quiet moans, his hands shifting to grip at the sheets.   
  
Of course, Stan wasn't an expert on this sort of thing, he was....a virgin all and all. He was embarrassed by it, and the reason why, it was so cheesy. But he didn't want to do it with anyone else but Angel, seeing sex as something special. It was kind of a vulnerable moment really and also a way to show how much you love someone. Letting your walls down....being open with that person. That didn't mean he wasn't a total virgin who knew nothing since he does watch porn. Mostly....gay porn, so that made this a little better. But he knew that porn was also  _heavily_ exaggerated at times.  However, it seemed by Angel's reactions, he was enjoying it so he must be doing something good. 

Angel's breathing hitched as he could feel Stan's hands roam, fingers ghosting over his nipples which caused him to let out a loud moan. Tongue now pressed to them, Angel gripped onto Stan's hair, panting as he arched off the bed. He could already feel his legs start to shake underneath him. It felt good but also really weird, since Angel really hadn't known they'd be so sensitive.   
  
After a few minutes past, the other male moved down his body, kissing down his stomach as hands went to his hips. He then heard a whine, which made Stan's cock twitch, fuck, he was getting impatient but he knew he had to wait. Even if he was eager, Angel needed time to adjust. This all probably new to him as it was new to Stan.   
  
He then felt tugging on his coat, looking up to find Angel blushing. He then whined again, Stan getting the hint that Angel wanted him to take off his coat and probably also his shirt. He got to his knees, sliding off the coat and shirt and throwing them with Angel's. He was definitely toner than he was, broad shoulders, muscled arms, and chest. Angel didn't know whether to find it attractive or intimidating. Maybe both? It did certainly make him less embarrassed to be naked.   
  
As kisses were pressed against Angel's stomach again, Stan gripped onto his shorts and pulled them down along with his underwear. He was truly exposed to him now, making him look away in embarrassment. Though, Stan thought to have this moment between them was heaven honestly, not helping but love seeing Angel's body. He moves down further to his thigh, nuzzling it before starting to give it soft kisses. Angel squirmed as words stammering out of him.   
  
" W-Wait a second- You're not gonna are you- " Stan was a bit confused at what Angel meant before eyes widen. Of course, if he didn't want him to that was fine but he wanted Angel to  _feel good._ He wanted him to cry out in pleasure as he screamed his name over and over- but this wasn't his fantasy. This was real, this was happening  _now_. He had to take Angel's concerns first before anything. He gave another nuzzle to it, his other hand roaming to massage the other as Angel whimpered. It was more of a calming motion than anything but it seemed to make Angel more nervous.   
  
" If you don't want me to, that's totally fine. I don't mind. Just.....I'd like to make you feel good, yknow? Seeing you enjoying yourself is good for me. " He let out a laugh, noticing how cheesy that sounded. " Sorry- That was totally cheesy right? God, I'm so....not good at this. "   
  
But a giggle could be heard and Stan perked up his head, eyes widening as the other gave a smile to him.   
  
" You're....always so nice to me. Thank you, again. For that. I...I think it'd be- okay. "   
  
He then nodded, returning the smile as he started to kiss his thigh again, which cased the smaller male to moan out once more. He bites down on his finger as Stan starts to spread his legs, marking his thighs up before going to take him into his mouth. It was weird, of course, it was weird, but it also felt really good at the same time. Angel tried his best to keep his hips from thrusting into Stan's mouth, which caused him to want him to anyway. Angel was really that big but he wasn't small either. Pretty average, so it was easy to work with, thankfully. He bobbed his head up and down, having started out slow until he was sure enough Angel was enjoying it. He couldn't take it any longer, having undone his jeans and boxers so he could pull his cock out. It twitched in his hand as it leaked of precum, making him groan as he was able to finally release it. It didn't take much time for him to start pumping it, thumb rubbing the tip as a hand gripped into Angel's thigh.   
  
Moans filled the room as Angel's hips arched into Stan's mouth, both hands in his hair as he went faster against him. Nails also dug into his skin, making marks along with the hickies that were placed onto his thighs. He started to pant as he felt his orgasm approach him, legs shaking like crazy as felt drool coming down his mouth. He couldn't last any longer, toes curling as he let out a cry. His whole body shiver after the orgasm, causing him to pant more as he felt the other pull away.   
  
Seemed it wasn't long before Stan came too, his body shivering as well as he came into his hand. He wiggled his nose in disgust, wiping the come onto his jeans. It was gross. he knew that but they were going to be taken off and washed anyway, so it didn't really matter. He pulled himself up and moved to where he gave Angel soft kisses, causing him to giggle while his hands wrapping around Stan's arms. They decided to take a short break, regaining themselves from their orgasms.   
  
Stan then sat up, which made Angel tilt his head before noticing his that he had already taken out himself. Angel's face then went a bright red, also noticing that he was.... _quite huge._ He tried to cover his face but couldn't help but to peak.  _" That's not gonna fit. That totally will not fit! "_ He thought to himself, the size of his boyfriend concerning him greatly. He didn't really want to be in pain while going back to school, certainly not wanting to be seen walking funny because of him. He knew his friends would probably gossip about it, bugging him as to why he was walking weird. He chews onto his thumbnail, thinking of ways this could actually go. Maybe his dad was weird enough to put some kind of lube into his drawers or maybe they could snatch his-  _No wait that would be so weird. Who takes their parents lube?!_ But....it would make things hurt less. God, why didn't he think this through all the way?   
  
Angel was then shaken out of his thoughts as he heard Stan's voice again, face looking concerned as he went quiet.   
  
" You alright? You went quiet on me and I got worried. " He gave him that oh so cute worried face he pulls, making Angel's heart melt with his tooth-rotting sweetness. It was the reason why he fell in love with him. He...He could try this. For Stan. For himself. He had gotten this far with him, he doesn't want to back out now. Not when they both seem to really want this. Angel couldn't let this pass, not now. Who knows when they'll be able to again? And if even it caused him a little pain, Stan truly didn't mean to do it on purpose. He'd never do that.   
  
Angel moves towards Stan, wrapping his arms around him and squeezing him tightly. The other had gotten even more worried that he had done something wrong- which made his nervous come back. There was a pit in his stomach that made him feel that certain dread again. He didn't want to feel guilty now of all times. But it was there, that same guilty feeling that made him hesitate in the first place. The feeling of being greedy for wanting to do this with Angel. The feeling of pushing him into something he didn't want to do because Stan was an awful person. _Selfish. You're selfish. Selfish, selfish, selfish-  
  
"....._Stan. " A soft voice could be heard, Angel nuzzling into his shoulder. " I...I want to do this with you, I really want to. And I think you do too, right? " Of course he wanted to, god who wouldn't? But that wasn't the right thing to think about right now. " At first I was nervous, nervous of you not wanting to see me. See my body. But you showed that you did. I love you. "   
  
 _Those words again. Those words that make my heart pound._ Stan squeezed Angel tightly, running a hand through his hair. " Fuck, Angel. I wanted this for so long, wanting to make you feel good and show how much I love you. But I was scared too, scared of thinking you'd wouldn't want it or pushing you into it or- Being selfish. I don't want to take you for granted, I really don't. I...I love you too. "   
  
" You shouldn't feel guilty for wanting and needing things. You're not selfish for that. We all have wants and needs, yknow? So don't feel bad for that. " Angel cupped Stan's face, giving him a big grin before giving him a kiss. Stan kissed back, pulling Angel closer to him in his lap before deepening it. Arms wrap around his neck as he leaned forward, causing Angel to slowly fall back onto the bed. He then noticed Stan still had his jeans on, tugging at them to get him to take them off. He complied, slipping them off along with his boxers as threw them on the floor. But he felt like he was missing something-  _Oh. That._ __  
  
" Hey random question, but uh....do you have uh- " Fuck, this was hard to say. " Any lube or anything of the sort? " Angel sat up a little, chewing his lip. " Maybe in one of my drawers? I have no idea if my dad put anything in there. And I know it'd be weird to take his. " Yeah, that would be weird. He got up again, looking around in every drawer. Finally, he found some, weirdly in his underwear drawer. He went back, hovering over Angel again before bringing his head up to kiss it.  
  
" This is your last chance to back out now.....of course, if you're in pain or anything stop me but....we can't go back after this. " Angel took a moment, he was right. They can't go back if they do this but....they can't move forward if don't. They got this far, he got this far. He's allowed himself to open up to the other, to let him see him at his most vulnerable. Even though nerves start to kick in, he brought Stan to him, making him hover over him. It caused him to panic, thinking he's done something wrong or Angel wanted to back out but that wasn't the case. Angel let out a sigh, looking up at him and giving him a smile.   
  
" I'm ready. "   
  
That was good enough for him. He snaps the cap of the lube open, slicking his fingers with it. God, the texture was weird and kind of grossed Stan out but he knew it was needed. He peppered kisses onto Angel's cheeks as he pushed his legs open, his hand sliding down to his entrance. Angel jolted, eyes widening as the sudden push into it. It started to make him panic, the thoughts of it hurting returning.  
  
" Relax, relax! It's easier if you just relax and trust me okay? I'll go slow and let you adjust but you gotta trust me here. " Stan tried to reassure him it was alright, still kissing him all over his face to distract him. It helped a little, but Angel could help but to still feel panicked. This was all new to him, so of course, he wouldn't be expected to take it so easily but he needed to relax. Stan wouldn't hurt him willingly. He tried to calm his nerves as Stan pushed in further, making his breath hitch. Tears soon fell down his cheeks, trying his best to get over the pain that shocked through his body. Just stay calm, relax, the pain will be over soon.   
  
  
Soon, the pain did start to fade away as fingers push in and out of him, causing him to let out a moan. Stan made sure to go slow, watching Angel's reactions before doing anything else. Once he saw he was used to it, went faster, adding a second finger. After a few moments past, and a third finger in, Stan was sure he was prepped good enough.   
  
But that didn't make the worry go away, because Stan's fingers weren't exactly as big as he was down there. It would be a whole another sensation, and a lot more stretching. But they have to try, you can't go far if you don't. Stan lifts Angel's legs up, which caused him to blush before he wrapped them around the other's waist. They were face to face now, nervous stares lingering as the air turned stiff. Stan still felt like this was surreal- like it was a dream.   
  
" Hey..." Angel murmured, which made Stan jump. But then he heard him speak again, this time a little louder. " I love you. "   
Angel gave him a soft smile, eyes half-lidded. " I love you, Stan Marsh. " He repeated, this time with Stan's name. Now he knew this wasn't a dream. His heart was pounding out his chest, face flushed red. " I love you too. " He gave a smile back, putting his head on top of Angel's. Angel then cupped his face, bringing him into a short kiss as he whined softly.   
  
" Please...Make love to me. " Angel breathed out, face also flushing a red tint as he said it. Stan couldn't take it anymore, he had to do this now. He slicked his dick up with lube, moving to position himself before pushing inside. The smaller male gasped, feeling himself get stretched as he clung to him. Okay, there was pain and pressure here, lots of it, but he had to trust Stan and relax. Tears welled up in his eyes again as he felt the other push deeper, nails digging into Stan's back as he stayed still. He made sure to take some time for Angel to adjust, not wanting to cause any pain to him.   
  
Soon, however, Stan felt Angel give a push onto him, just to test waters. He saw it as a sign he was ready for Stan to move, his hips rocking slowly just in case the other was still needing time. He heard the other let out a soft moan as he shivered, leaning his head back against the pillow. Okay, this was good, he's enjoying it. That's all Stan really wanted, was Angel to feel good. He gave another push into him, causing another moan to slip out.   
  
" Go on...you can move. " Angel assured him, actually, really, _urged_  him to move. Stan let out a groan as he moved faster, resting his forehead against the others as he moved.   
  
Squeezed hands press against the bed as it rocks with Stan's movement, while moans filled the room again.  Stan kept slamming into him, him feeling Angel's nails dig into his back, making him grunt as he arched his back into them. He felt Angel's legs start to twitch, having him pleasure deep in as he felt him bury his face into his neck.   
  
" S-Stan- " Angel moaned out as he felt Stan hit that certain spot. "Right there- Keep hitting that spot- please! " Stan then aimed each thrust for that sweet spot, making Angel cry out his name each time Stan did so. He could soon feel his climax hit a second, focus on trying to get Angel to come first before he did. But with Angel clenching around him and moaning his name, it was hard to last any longer.   
  
Angel soon let out a cry again, body shuddering as he hit his orgasm. Cum splattered both their stomachs but that didn't make Stan stop. However, it wasn't long before Stan came as well, body spent as they both panted.   
  
After moments past, they came down from their high, Stan pulling out and flopping onto Angel. It made him let out a squeak but he didn't mind all that much. What he did min, however, was the empty feeling when Stan pulled out, even if he was filled. He also minded that they were sticky and sweaty- and smelled like sex in general. But he was also spent, so he didn't really want to move despite the smell and texture. They can shower later, first, he wanted to cuddle and of course, cuddles he got.   
\------------

An hour or so passes, Stan had moved onto his side while pulling Angel close to him. He pushed away a stray hair, smiling as he stared at his boyfriend.   
  
" It's not polite to stare, you know. "   
Stan then snorted, " I can't stare at my handsome boyfriend? "   
" Stannllleeeyy " A giggle could be heard as Angel brought Stan into a kiss, arms wrapping around him.   
" Hey. "   
" Hmm? "   
" I love you. "  
" Hmm...I love you too. " 


End file.
